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Of Faith, Love, and Hospital Bills

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I have a post that’s been pending for almost two months and this is not it. Yeah. Sad. Anyway, I have something better, and this one has something to do with more random stuff than the post that’s been rotting in my drafts.

About two or three weeks ago I’ve been thinking a lot about faith. What is it, exactly? I am typing this paragraph as if I don’t have any idea about it… as if the only faith that I know of is George Michael’s. FAITH. What is? Seems like a big word; I’ve heard it’s believing something that we can not, uhm, comprehend. Some say it’s putting your trust or full confidence on something or someone. I guess I could bust my head open and still wouldn’t understand it. Sucks. For years, I have been believing that God has a perfect plan for me. For years, I’ve been ecstatic about the thought that the Lord has something in store for me, something that my mind could not even conjure up. I used to call it Ang bonggang-bonggang plano ng Diyos sa buhay ko. And now, I am at the verge of disbelief. Maybe I’m just saying this, maybe I’m not. My point is I believed, so hard, that God has something for me; WHERE IS IT?

Argh. Anyway, I’ve had a bestfriend chat with my girlfriend a week ago. I told her my struggles about my faith lately. Yes, I have been struggling. In fact, I’m still struggling. I asked her, “Inaantay mo pa rin ba yung plano ng Diyos para sa’yo?” She replied, “Oo, excited nga ako eh.” I’ll leave the conversation there, and it got me wondering, how can some people be excited about something as vague as “God’s wonderful plans?” How will they know that the things that are happening are according to God’s plans? AND, when that plan is realized, how will they know that it’s done? I asked a lot of questions inside my head that night; I even went to a quiet place to really think about it. Sadly, I didn’t get a lot of answers.

After hours of staring into nothing and random realizations of confusion, I heard-slash-saw-slash-imagined-someone-telling-me one word, COURAGE-slash-all-words-synonymous-to-it. I order to embrace something that you can’t even see, you have to be brave. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko ipapaliwanag ‘tong mga susunod na salita pero mas na-realize ko lang lalo na walang imposible sa Panginoon, walang imposible kung maniniwala tayo. Gaah! If we put everything into the Lord’s hands, everything will fall into it’s proper place. I can’t believe that I’m crying while typing this. And now I’m lost. Sorry. Maybe what happened was I became too, uhm, complacent and stubborn at the same time that somewhere along the way, I started taking back most of the things that I’ve put into God’s hands; shook off His grip on me, started wandering off with those things; and eventually I found myself lost. Helpless. Exhausted. And now, I can’t stop crying. Lord, forgive me and may You grant me strength, patience, understanding, faith, love, hope, more love, more hope, more faith, and everything in between. Sabi nga ng should-be-bestfriend kong si Marvin “pogi-na-ako-hindi-ko-na-kailangang-pumorma” Millan sa isa sa mga napaka-meaningful niyang texts, “Ngyn lng yan.. Everything will fall into place.. In God’s perfect time..” YES!

Uhm, yeah. Sorry, imaginary readers. That had to come out. Anyway, I guess that would be all about faith and love, for now. Let’s talk hospital bills. I did tell you from the start that this would be filled with randomness… Sorry.

I’ve been admitted to the most expensive hospital that I know of for four days. What? Haha. I was in the hospital from May 1 to 4. Yup, just this week. It would have been the best vacation but it wasn’t. Remember that gastric ulcer I’ve been-writing-about-slash-wrote-about in some of my posts? Well, it happened again Monday night. Thus, I had to be admitted, blah blah blah, I have a 1.9cm stone in my gall bladder. I never thought that I was a hardcore stoner. Haha! So, four days in that expensive hospital: nothing really happened; I just tossed around the hospital bed for a day and a half; slept for two days; and waited for money to materialize when I call them out for N hours. Now I am back home, blogging. My operation’s set in a few weeks, prayerfully, yup, the stone’s still here.

Blah blah blah. What have I learned? Well, other than eating a lot of what I eat may kill me; and that a health card is really, really, REALLY important; at apat na araw na paligo ang pagitan ko sa mga drayber na may putok (sorry); I’ve learned to appreciate hospital food. Yeah, who knew? Hospital food? It’s actually great. Their lugaw tastes better than my mom’s. Haha! So, yeah. Anyway, before this post is filled with killer fillers, Imma end about 304 words from here.

I will get a health card. I will save up for my operation. Uulan ng raket! I shall refrain from doing things that would make my condition any worse, like listening to Justin Bieber. I will love. I will pray. I will be brave. I will laugh. I will be a friend. I will be the best _____ for you. I will learn how to cook hospital food. I will marry you. And, I declare that the Lord will provide me everything that I will ever need to do all these things and sooo much more.


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